Farting Around at the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office
The latest innovations for keeping it quiet and odorless
May 5th was a red letter day for technological innovation in malodor control. It saw the publication of two U.S. patent applications having to do with farts.
The first, by Hong Min Kim of Toronto, Canada, describes a “flatulence cleaning apparatus.” Savor that phrase for a moment as you free associate to underwear scrubbers, Chipotlaway, bubbling test tubes, and drive-through car washes.
At the heart of Mr. Kim’s invention is a unit that fits into a slot on a seat (pictured above). A temperature sensor detects the launch of a fart and the unit begins drawing the toxic air through successive chambers housing charcoal (for odor removal), copper wool (to kill viruses and bacteria), and a sanitizer dispenser. Here’s a schematic of the process that includes a typo and the unsettling phrase “extermination chamber” (the copper wool repository). [Was Mr. Kim trying to avoid writing “gas chamber”?—Ed.]
The second patent application is from one Richard L. Van Dyke of Sherman, Illinois. [OMG, “Dick” Van Dyke?—Ed.] His invention is a dual-function “flatulence silencer and odor eliminator.” It consists of a soft, flexible pad, ideally containing a layer of activated charcoal for odor trapping. Odor absorbing underwear inserts have been around awhile. How is this different? It’s in the placement. We’ll let Mr. Van Dyke set the scene:
The method includes inserting at least a portion of the pad against the anus and between the buttocks to hold it in place. The excess pad not inserted in the anal opening may be tucked in place between the buttocks . . . When positioned in or against the anal opening, the gas escaping from the anus is forced through the pad so that the gas escapes in a controlled silent and odorless manner.
Are you squirming a little bit? Is your mental imagery ranging in weird directions? (Sneezing, flying champagne corks, pop goes the weasel, potato in the exhaust pipe . . .)
Mr. Van Dyke may have more tricks up his sleeve. In January he applied for a trademark on SilentlyFresh, to be used for a medical device “namely, a small cushioned rope embedded with activated charcoal to be worn across a person’s anus for minimizing the sound and odor of flatulence.” Can’t wait to see that patent application.
As a trade name, SilentlyFresh strikes me as a bit literal and uninspired. I’d recommend something more lyrical. Here’s a few ideas off the top of my head: SweetCheeks. ThongSong. WindChimes. MuteButtOn. Crack’inFresh. Krakatoa Breeze. CheekCheck.
Kim, Hong Min. (2022). Flatulence cleaning apparatus. (U.S. Patent Application No. 2020/0133936). U.S. Patent and Trademark Office.
Van Dyke, Richard L. (2022). Flatulence silencer and odor eliminator. (U.S. Patent Application No. 2020/0133556). U.S. Patent and Trademark Office.
Van Dyke, Richard L. (2022). SilentlyFresh. (U.S. trademark application Serial No. 97240598). U.S. Patent and Trademark Office.